


The Longest Year

by Rae325



Series: The Future Is Going to Be a Wondrous Place [1]
Category: Warehouse 13
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-13
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 11:50:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rae325/pseuds/Rae325
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Helena comes back to be by Myka's side as she battles cancer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The first thing that Myka hears when she wakes from surgery is the sound of someone crying.

"Bad then?" she croaks out in a voice that sounds foreign to her ears.

The hand holding hers tightens in surprise, and the voice that responds isn't Pete's, as she had been expecting. "Oh no, Myka."

"Helena?"

"I'm here." Myka can feel Helena lean in closer, and even through the haze of anesthesia Myka's body tingles in the same way it always does at Helena's presence.

Myka forces her eyes open with difficulty, and she is rewarded with the sight of Helena's face inches from hers. "You're really here."

"Of course I'm here. I would have come earlier if I had known."

"How did you find out?"

"Pete phoned me." Helena reaches out her free hand to touch Myka's cheek. "I wish I had come sooner."

"You're here now."

Helena hears the unasked question. "And I'm staying."

"But Nate, Adelaide."

Helena simply shakes her head to silence Myka. "I'm staying," she repeats with a squeeze of Myka's hand.

Myka watches as a few more tears fall from Helena's eyes.

"Is it bad Helena? Did they say?"

Helena takes a deep breath. "It's stage II, which is good news Myka. They rarely catch ovarian cancer this early, so it's very good news." Helena tries to convince herself of this, but the word  _good_  feels like it has no place in this conversation. "They needed to perform a hysterectomy."

Myka feels tears rush to her eyes. She knew with almost complete certainty that she would wake up from surgery without ovaries or a uterus, but still this hurts more than she can find the words to express.

"I'm sorry," Helena whispers when she sees Myka's face crumble.

Myka never wanted children, but she knows after watching Helena with Adelaide that Helena is meant to be a mother. This of course is irrelevant, Myka reminds herself. Whatever has passed between Myka and Helena, the notion of having children together certainly has never been part of their relationship. And yet the thought remains as Myka looks into Helena's sad eyes.

"Ok," Myka says, clearing her throat. "Stage II. That has a 60% 5-year survival rate." She can rattle off the statistics that she's researched with ease, the numbers that she has stared at constantly since the doctor first said the word cancer. "Ok," she repeats. "It will probably be 3 or 4 rounds of chemo and maybe radiation. Ok, I can do this."

Helena can't stop the tears from falling as she watches Myka try so hard to be brave. "You can do this Myka. You are the strongest person I know."

Those words and the sincerity in Helena's eyes are what does it. The tears come hard and fast until Myka is sobbing. Her abdomen burns with each sob, and it only makes her cry harder.

Helena stands from the chair she has been sitting in since Myka was wheeled out of surgery and lies down in the small empty space on the hospital bed. As gently as possible Helena wraps her arms around Myka and feels the woman melt into her touch.

Myka buries her face in Helena's neck, crying and crying for what she's lost and what she's about to lose. And Helena, beautiful Helena who has known far too much pain and loss, simply holds Myka and lets her cry.

Myka cries until the tears don't come anymore, and Helena holds her still.

"You can do this," Helena whispers once Myka has stilled in her arms. "You will fight like hell."

Myka has told Pete over and over again that everything will be fine, that she just needs to see the doctor and take care of it. But now, she finds herself on what feels like the beginning of an impossibly long path. "40% of people with this die in 5 years Helena."

"You will fight Myka," Helena says again, because she does not make false promises, not when she knows the devastation this world can bring to those who least deserve it.

"And I will be right here with you." Helena knows that Myka deserves so much more, deserves someone capable of protecting the people that she loves, someone capable of not hurting everyone that she holds dear.

"Helena, no. You shouldn't do that."

Helena looks at Myka's face, at her pain at saying those words, at trying to be selfless and push Helena away for her own good.

"I want to be here," Helena reassures Myka. "I'm staying."

"I might die Helena!" The words slip from Myka's lips in desperation. Helena shouldn't have to watch someone else she cares for die. Myka knows that Helena would be devastated, and Myka has seen Helena devastated and hopeless and about to destroy the world in her pain and grief. And Myka cannot do that to Helena again. She can't.

"And if you do then I want to have spent every moment with you that I could! I want you never to have to be alone!" Helena takes a breath and calms herself. "You aren't going to be alone."

They stare at each other, so very afraid of hurting each other, of breaking each other. But they need each other desperately, don't know how to go on now without the other, suddenly can't see anyway to move forward from this hospital bed without the other.

Myka relents, and hates herself a bit for doing so, because it feels selfish and weak, but she needs Helena now more than she has ever needed anyone. She nods, and Helena understands, settles back against the pillow on the stiff hospital bed. "Thank you," Myka breathes.

Helena shakes her head and smiles as best she can. "Thank you."


	2. Chapter 2

Helena reads to distract Myka from the pain.

It's Myka's first night home from the hospital, and Helena had made no move to leave after settling Myka into her bed. She had simply glanced at the pile of books on the bedside table and asked which one Myka wanted to hear.

"My wife pointed out to me the brightness of the red, green, and yellow signal lights hanging in a framework against the sky. It seemed so safe and tranquil." Helena finishes the chapter and looks over at the woman beside her. Myka's eyes are closed and there is a small smile on her face.

"I loved this story as a little girl," Myka tells Helena, "I never imagined that I would hear it read to me by the author."

"I believe the author would be inclined to give a repeat performance tomorrow."

Myka's eyes flutter open. "Would she now?"

"Do you want to sleep?" It's only 9 o'clock, but Helena is certain that Myka had been dozing off during the chapter.

Myka nods and hates the way that her body already feels like it is no longer her own.

"May I stay with you?" Helena asks, "You shouldn't be alone tonight, but if you would prefer I'm certain that Pete or Claudia would be happy to stay."

Myka rolls her eyes. "As much as I love Pete, I would rather not share a bed with him. As long as you don't mind staying with me that is."

Helena had slept in a chair besides Myka's hospital bed every night, but now there are other places that Helena can sleep. And that means that they might finally need to talk. "Of course I don't mind. Can I get you anything before we turn in?"

Myka shakes her head. Helena sets  _The_   _War of the Worlds_ down on the night table and turns off the light.

Helena wants to reach out and hold Myka, but she is uncertain of whether it would be welcomed. "Good night Myka. Please wake me if you need anything at all."

Myka feels her eyes fill with tears. She hates the fact that she will almost certainly need to wake Helena for help to the bathroom during the night. Myka hates feeling weak, she hates needing to rely on someone else to take care of her. "Helena?"

"Yes."

"Why did you come back?"

"For you," Helena whispers.

"Because I'm sick?"

Helena turns on her side so that she can look at Myka. The uncertainty in those green eyes makes Helena's chest ache; she hates herself for causing it. She needs to make it better, needs to erase that pain from Myka's eyes.

"Because I love you."

"How long?" Myka demands. "How long have you loved me?"

"Quite a while, but it seemed terribly unfair to you."

"To love me?" Myka asks. She wants to cry for all the time she lost, all the time she could have spent loving Helena.

Helena nods. "I hurt the people that I care about."

"Do you have any idea how much it hurt to see you with Nate?"

"I'm sorry."

Myka doesn't need Steve's abilities to hear the truth in Helena's voice. "Why were you with him?"

"You were right when you told me that I was running from myself. I'd hurt so many people. I'd hurt you."

"You've also saved my life," Myka reminds Helena with a soft smile, "so maybe we can just call it even."

"You shouldn't forgive me so easily."

Myka's exaggerated sigh and eye roll makes Helena smile. She hasn't seen a playful expression on Myka's face since returning to Univille. "I can tell that I'm going to need to say this to you a lot. You're not a bad guy Helena, and I forgave you a long time ago." Myka can see that Helena isn't quite convinced; she reaches out and rests a hand on Helena's cheek. "I'll keep reminding you."

"I may need that," Helena agrees, and she thinks that even if she doesn't deserve forgiveness then perhaps she will find a way to try to accept it so that she can be strong for Myka.

Myka loves the way Helena's skin feels under her palm, loves the way that Helena pushes her face gently into Myka's caress. "We must have the worst timing in the world," Myka sighs thinking of how wonderful it would be to touch Helena properly.

"I don't agree. I finally came to my senses when you needed someone."

"Not someone," Myka corrects. "I need you."

Helena smiles. "And I'm here."

"Yeah, well lucky you and your great timing. You showed up just in time to watch me lose all my hair and vomit constantly and then maybe die."

Helena reaches out the cup Myka's cheek, the women's positions mirroring each other, their faces only a few inches apart. "I consider it a privilege that you are trusting me to help see you through this. I'm certain that isn't easy for you, and I am very grateful."

Of course Helena understands, Myka thinks. Of course she understands that being vulnerable like this is impossibly difficult for Myka. It's been too long since Myka has felt understood like this. She moves forward slowly – both because any movement at all still hurts and because she wants to give Helena time to pull away if this isn't what she wants. Myka's heart is beating harder and harder as Helena moves forward to meet her.

Myka gasps as Helena's lips meet hers, and softly, ever so softly, Helena is kissing her. Helena swipes her tongue across Myka's bottom lip, and in that moment Myka forgets everything else.

When they pull apart all Myka can think is that she could easily spend the rest of her life – no matter how short of long – kissing this woman. Myka smiles and informs Helena, "I've kind of wanted to do that since we first met."

Helena laughs. "Since you were handcuffing me to a chair? And what do you mean by kind of?"

"I've never kissed a woman before. It was confusing to want to be so close to you."

"Ah, how was it then? Kissing a woman?"

"Definitely something that I want to keep doing. Kissing you, I mean. Not just random women."

"Glad to hear it."

"Oh crap!" Myka suddenly exclaims. "I didn't say it back."

"You don't need to."

"Oh no I do. You just distracted me."

Helena smiles nervously, and Myka finds the shy expression on the normally self-assured woman's face endearing. "I love you Helena."

"I love you too," Helena replies. She might not deserve this, but she won't turn away from it again.

* * *

"Pay up," Claudia says, extending her hand towards Pete when she spots Myka and Helena at the kitchen table the next morning.

Helena's arm is resting on the back of Myka's chair and her body is leaned in close to the younger woman.

"How can you tell?" Pete asks, "They look like they always do."

"It's so obvious. Look at the way they're leaning towards each other."

"Like I said, just like they always do."

Claudia looks over at the table again. "And there are scones. Myka and Abigail don't cook and Artie isn't awake yet, which means Helena made breakfast for Myka."

"Scones!" Pete runs for the table and wastes no time biting into a pastry. "Chocolate chip! These are amazing. HG, why didn't you tell me that you could bake?"

"Would you have taken a shine to me sooner if you knew?"

"Hell yeah. Have you tasted your scones?"

Myka looks up at her partner. "We can hear from across the room you know. I can't believe you two were taking bets on us."

Claudia at least looks embarrassed at being caught. Pete on the other hand is grinning stupidly. "So who won?" he asks.

Myka gives Pete her best scowl. "What exactly was the bet?"

"When you two would get together."

"Pay the lady," Helena instructs Pete, smiling widely and wrapping her arm around Myka. "Are there any other milestones that we need to keep you apprised of?"


	3. Chapter 3

Helena enters the recovery room to find an already awake and crying Myka. Helena is by her Myka's side in a moment. "What's wrong darling? Are you in pain?" Myka shakes her head. "What is it?"

Helena is grasping Myka's hand and looking at her with such concern, and Myka feels heavy with the fear that she will never be the woman that Helena deserves. Myka shakes her head feeling ridiculous for the tears.

"Myka please, tell me what I can do?"

Myka turns her head away. "There's a piece of plastic sticking out of my chest." Helena's fingers run through Myka's hair: another thing she will lose, another way that her body will be destroyed.

Then Helena is pulling back the fabric of Myka's hospital gown and leaning down to kiss the skin of Myka's chest so very softly besides where the port has been inserted. "You're beautiful," Helena whispers.

It still amazes Myka that this woman knows her so well – even after a year where they have barely seen each other – knows her thoughts and her worries, understands her in a way that no one has before.

"You are beautiful Myka Bering," Helena repeats, and Myka finally turns to face the woman that she loves. "You are beautiful inside and out."

Myka rolls her eyes, but still, she feels moved by Helena's words, even if she doesn't quite believe them.

"You reminded me that there was good in this world," Helena continues as she rubs her thumb soothingly along Myka's wrist. "You gave me a reason to believe in humanity again. Your heart was strong enough to break through a century of anger and pain."

Myka can't help the tears that spill down her cheeks at the words. "So this is what being in love with a writer is like."

"I've never been a big fan of romance novels," Helena says scrunching up her nose in distaste. "I always found them a bore."

"Maybe you just need to try your hand at writing one."

"You'd like a book dedicated to you?" Helena asks with a teasing smile.

And then Myka is crying again, because the idea of Helena writing a novel for her tragic dead lover is heartbreaking. "I'm sorry." Myka doesn't know if she's apologizing for the tears or the fact that Helena is in love with a woman whose body is quickly being destroyed or for the fact that Myka could die.

"Whatever for?" Helena asks as she slides carefully into the hospital bed besides Myka.

"You had a life that made you happy in Wisconsin."

"No, I had a life that was safe, a life where I pretended to be someone that I'm not with a man whose best attributes were cooking and being dull."

Myka chuckles at that before she thinks of Adelaide and sobers again. "You had Adelaide."

Helena's hand reaches up to touch her locket. She had loved Adelaide so much, but it had always felt like betraying her daughter.

Myka sees the pain etched in the lines of Helena's face.

"Would you tell me about her, your Christina?"

Helena takes a deep breath, clutches the locket tighter.

"She was such a kind girl. She was clever and beautiful and amazing in everyway, but I was most proud of her kindness. We were well off and it was frowned upon for someone from the upper class to be seen with the poor, but Christina never cared. She was always befriending street children and children whose parents worked in the factories. It made no difference to her whether they were rich or poor."

"She sounds like an amazing girl. You raised her well."

Helena feels undeserving of such praise. She failed her daughter terribly. As if Myka can sense Helena's thoughts, she whispers, "She was lucky to have you for a mother."

Helena's chest feels tight; she can't speak. Myka understands that Helena can't accept that yet, and Myka thinks that this might just be the one thing she needs to accomplish in her life: to help Helena understand that she is good and worthy of love and happiness.

For now Myka kisses Helena's forehead and whispers. "Thank you for telling me about Christina." Helena nods and focuses on not falling apart when she is the one who is supposed to be strong.

Myka wonders whether Helena has ever spoken about her daughter before, wonders whether doing so now brings Helena anything but pain: she certainly hopes that there can be joy – if not now, one day – at the memories.

"The doctor said they just want to keep you for an hour or so until the anesthesia has worn off completely, and then I can take you home to rest."

Myka wants to say more about Christina, about children – wants to promise to somehow give that to Helena again, because Myka had been wrong, Adelaide hadn't been merely a ghost to Helena, she had been a girl that Helena loved and nurtured. Helena had loved that child so quickly and beautifully, and Myka will always regret taking that away from her. But the moment is passed, and maybe it wasn't the right moment anyway.

" _Midnight's Children_ is waiting for us," Myka says instead. It makes Helena's face light up, and Myka marvels at how there is still joy and wonder in Helena even after so much loss and pain. It makes Myka believe that she too can find joy and wonder again after her ordeal ends – after the cancer is banished from her body. Myka tries to remember this as the pain medication wears off and her chest begins to ache.

 


	4. Chapter 4

"There you go love," Helena says as she helps settle Myka on the couch. She's four days out from her last round of chemo: long enough that the nausea has dissipated but close enough that the exhaustion remains.

Helena unfolds the throw blanket that Abigail always leaves on the couch for Myka and wraps it around Myka's thin shoulders, smoothing the material down on arms that feel too delicate and breakable to belong to the woman that Helena loves. "Do you want a second blanket for your legs?"

"No, I'm ok."

"Do you need anything else?"

"No. I'm fine, I promise. Go make your fruitcake."

"It's not fruitcake. It's Christmas pudding."

Pete walks into the room in time to catch the conversation and asks, "Is that what you call fruitcake on Christmas?"

"Americans."

"Yeah, that's right," Pete says, sitting down across from Myka. "I always forget that the British are known for their food."

"In the spirit of Christmas," Helena tells Pete, "I will refrain from arguing with you." She turns back to Myka. "Are you sure you don't need me to get you anything else?"

Myka nods, and Helena leans down to give her a soft kiss before going to the kitchen.

When Myka pulls her gaze away from Helena she sees Pete grinning widely. "What?" she asks.

"You two are pretty cute together."

"Are you becoming a romantic?" Myka teases.

"I know that I wasn't exactly president of the HG Wells fan club, but I'm happy for you Mykes."

Myka smiles her thanks. And then because it's Christmas, she overlooks the fact that Pete went behind her back. "I never thanked you for calling her."

"I knew you were too stubborn to do it yourself."

"I am not stubborn."

"Seriously?" Pete asks. "You know that I've worked with you for five years now right? I know how stubborn you are."

Myka decides to accept defeat on this one.

"I'm glad that you crazy kids finally got together. And now, I get to take credit for it. That sounds like a win, win, win in my book."

"You do not get to take credit for Helena and me being together."

"Who does then? Because it isn't you, and it isn't Helena. You were both too busy being noble to get your heads out of your asses and see that you make each other happy."

Myka rolls her eyes. "Fine, Pete. You're the reason Helena and I got together. You win. Are you happy?"

Pete nods and grins like an idiot. Myka lets him.

* * *

"Hey," Claudia says as she enters the garden to find Helena sniffling softly. "Can I join you?"

Helena looks up at the young woman in front of her and nods before wiping her eyes and trying to stop the tears.

For a few minutes Claudia sits quietly besides Helena. "I still miss my parents during the holidays. I mean, I miss them all the time, but the holidays are the worst, you know?"

"I do."

"I know I have no idea what you're going through HG, but if you want to talk to someone…"

"Thank you," Helena says, but she doesn't continue.

"Do you want me to go?" Claudia asks.

"No, I would enjoy the company for a moment if you don't mind staying."

"Of course not."

They sit silently for a few minutes, and Helena is surprised by how much it helps to have Claudia besides her. The tears begin again, and Helena lets them fall, knowing that Claudia understands.

A few minutes later Helena hears the slow footsteps that she knows to be Myka's. Each step has become a struggle these days.

"I'll take it from here," Myka tells Claudia.

Helena tries to stifle her tears. "I'm sorry."

Myka takes her lover's hand in her own as Claudia walks back inside.

The feeling of Myka's hand - far too cold and bony - in her own makes Helena's eyes fill with tears again.

Myka pulls Helena against her chest. She can't get enough of the feel of Helena, warm and alive and real against her. Myka remembers the way she had ached to touch Helena when she had only been present as a hologram.

Helena is trying her hardest not to keep crying, but a few tears leak onto Myka's shirt.

"Talk to me," Myka says, her lips pressed against Helena's hair.

Helena shakes her head. "I don't want to burden you anymore."

"Stop it," Myka says frustrated as she pulls back to look at Helena. She hates it when Helena gets like this, when her voice is laced with a sense that she doesn't deserve that love that Myka has for her.

"It's noting. Really."

"Stop it Helena. Just stop!" Helena turns towards Myka, startled by the raised voice. Myka's tone softens as she continues, "I want you to lean on me too."

"I don't want to do that to you."

"I might be sick, but I'm not weak Helena."

"I know that."

"Then talk to me," Myka says, the frustration seeping back into her voice again. "Why are you sitting outside in 20 degree weather crying?"

"I miss Christina," Helena whispers, hating that her voice is raspy. She looks up at Myka guiltily before continuing, "and I am terrified of losing you."

Myka intertwines her fingers with Helena's and whispers, "I'm sorry."

"No," Helena says shaking her head and feeling awful for burdening Myka with this. "It's not your fault. I shouldn't have told you."

"We've been together for seven months. Have you been hiding what you're feeling the whole time?"

"Of course not," Helena insists.

"Just what you think I'm not strong enough to handle."

"That isn't it. I simply didn't want to give you anything else to worry about."

Myka can feel the anger rising in her chest; she hates being treated as less capable, more delicate because she has cancer. But then she looks at Helena, at how she seems so guilty over telling Myka her fears, like her own needs are insignificant, like she has no right to have the woman who loves her support her.

"You're being an idiot."

"Excuse me."

Myka reaches up and puts her hand on Helena's cheek. "I love you very much, but you are being a complete idiot right now. I've had enough of the martyr shtick Helena. It is  _not_ your best look."

"I am not being a martyr."

"What would you call it?"

"I'm trying to take care of you." Helena looks away from Myka, feels so inadequate, knows that Myka will be another person that Helena fails.

"Do you really not know that you've been doing an excellent job of that?"

Helena rolls her eyes. This feels far from good enough for Myka.

Myka reaches out and puts her hand on Helena's cheek, coaxing Helena's eyes upwards. "You've been my rock since I woke up from surgery. Let me be there for you too."

Myka pulls Helena towards her, softly and slowly until Helena finally stops resisting and lets herself be in the younger woman's arms. Myka wraps her arms around Helena and finds her shivering.

Myka presses a kiss to the side of Helena's head and whispers, "I love you."

Helena buries her face in her lover's neck, takes in the warmth, the throbbing of her pulse, the reminders that Myka is here and alive. Helena grasps on tighter and Myka must sense her distress because she's rubbing Helena's back and rocking her gently in the same way that Helena remembers doing for her darling Christina when she had cried.

"You shouldn't be outside in this weather," Helena says, beginning to pull away.

"Let me take care of you," Myka whispers again.

"I will, darling." Myka looks at her lover skeptically. "I promise. You can take care of me all you want as soon as we get you out of the cold."

They stand and Myka allows Helena to wrap an arm around her. She hates feeling weak, hates needing someone so much. And so she understands, really she does, how hard it must be for Helena to let someone be strong for her. Myka lets Helena support her weight as the walk inside slowly, wondering whether Helena has ever has someone take care of her at all.

Myka is breathing heavily by the time they make it the few steps into the bed and breakfast. "Are you ok?" Helena asks as Myka sits down on a chair besides the door to rest.

"I'm fine. I just need a moment."

Helena simply sits besides Myka as she always does when the younger woman becomes exhausted. "You won't forget your promise?" Myka asks.

"I'm alright now, my love. But I won't forget."

* * *

"Who would have thought? HG Wells in fuzzy reindeer pajamas." Myka is sitting up in bed and grinning at Helena, who is wearing the ridiculous outfit that Pete gave her as a Christmas present.

"They are awfully comfortable."

Helena pulls back the covers and climbs into bed besides her lover. Myka snuggles against Helena's chest. "Mmm…yes they are."

Helena's chest rumbles with soft laughter. "Was it a good Christmas darling?" she asks.

"It was. I didn't think that it would be this year, but it was." Myka looks up from where she has nuzzled into Helena's side. "It was our first Christmas together."

"The first of many."

Myka feels the weight of her illness sit between them. She wants to promise Helena forever, but she can't. The image of a devastated Helena fills Myka's mind, but she pushes it away. For now they're together, and it's Christmas. Myka doesn't want to cry tonight.

"I love you Myka." Helena's voice sounds reverent, and Myka imagines that this is what HG might sound like if she prayed.

Myka looks up to catch Helena's eyes; they make her feel cherished in a way that nothing has before. Myka had grown up with a father who had demanded so much of her before he would show her love or even approval. As an adult she had demanded excellence of herself, in her work, in her personal life. Rarely had she lived up to her own standards. Being given love without condition is still new, still breathtaking.

"I love you too," Myka whispers, and Helena smiles in a way that makes the younger woman certain that her lover too has never known someone to understand and cherish her like this. Myka is so grateful that she can make Helena feel this way.

Helena watches Myka struggle to keep her eyes open as exhaustion from the day settles in. "Let's go to sleep darling."

Helena turns the lights out, and when she wraps her arms around Myka again they both forget everything except how loved they feel tonight.


	5. Chapter 5

"What was that?" Myka murmurs when she wakes up to see Helena stashing a book away in her bedside table.

"Nothing my darling," Helena says as she reaches her hand down to run her fingers along the soft skin of Myka's arm.

Myka hums with contentment and curls herself further into Helena's lap. "It's not nice to hide things from your girlfriend."

Helena scrunches up her nose. "I'm nearly 150. I hardly think the word girl should be used to describe me."

"What would you prefer?" Myka asks as Helena's other hand comes to rest on the soft flannel covering Myka's hip; her thumb sets to work making soft circles that nearly lull Myka back to sleep.

"I rather like partner," Helena says, her voice steady and sure even though she knows the commitment that term conveys. "If Pete won't be jealous that is."

Myka's heart thuds at the word, and she lifts her head to look at Helena. Dark eyes stare back at her just as frightened and hopeful and in love as Myka feels.

Myka moves to sit up and strong arms immediately wrap around her. Helena has come to know when Myka needs help, and it is always provided before Myka ever has to ask. Helena knows as well that Myka is exhausted every afternoon at 3, and that she wants Helena to stay with her while she naps, even if Myka never asks. Helena has learned to provide the things that her lover needs before a single word of request is uttered.

"Partner, huh?" Myka asks once she is sitting up and leaning against the headboard. She smiles sweetly at Helena, who for once seems lost for words.

Helena wonders if this is too much, if she should wait until after the shadow of Myka's illness no longer hangs over them. But Myka has felt more like a partner and an equal than anyone ever has before. Helena had gone through her life without anyone truly understanding her until she had woken up in the twenty-first century to find Myka.

"I like partner," Myka says, and at the surprised and relieved expression on Helena's face, she reaches forward to kiss the author.

While Helena is distracted by the lips pressed against hers, Myka seizes the opportunity and leans over to the bedside table. Myka has the journal in her hand by the time Helena catches her and grasps her wrist to still Myka's movement. Helena takes the book from her lover's hand and places it down on the table before kissing Myka's hand gently.

Myka's eyes drift to the notebook. "You're writing again?" she asks.

"Simply as a hobby."

"Says HG Wells."

"I haven't written anything in over a hundred years."

"When did you start again?" Myka asks as she settles herself back against the pillows.

"A few weeks ago," Helena says with a smile thinking back to the night she had lain in bed besides Myka and felt that there was so much inside her that she needed to express.

"What made you start again?"

"You," Helena replies, and Myka is overcome with love for this woman. "Since we've been together, the world feels as though it is filled with wonder once more."

"God Helena, do you have any idea how much I love you?"

Helena does know. She knows that Myka loves her far more than anyone should. She knows that she is undeserving of the forgiveness that Myka has offered her, of the love that Myka has for her, for all of her – even the guilt and the hatred and the fear.

Myka sees it on Helena's face; the way the brilliant woman is unable to see herself clearly. Myka knows that it falls on her to keep reminding Helena that she doesn't hurt everyone that she cares about, that loving her is the greatest joy Myka has ever known.

"Can I read it?" Myka asks.

"Not just yet," Helena says with a mischievous grin.

"What? Why?" Myka demands, seeing that she misinterpreted the situation. She should have known that Helena isn't one to be bashful.

"I believe that someone has a birthday coming up."

Myka doesn't know how Helena manages to continue to surprise her. "You're writing something for me?"

"Yes, and I am telling you nothing further."

"Can I read the first page?"

"That would ruin the surprise."

"Oh come on," Myka protests until Helena silences her with a kiss. The feeling of Myka's body against Helena is intoxicating, and Helena has to force herself to pull back, always conscious to not make Myka feel pressured to do anything she is too exhausted for.

But today Myka wants Helena so badly, wants to be closer, wants to show her how much she loves her. She presses her lips back against Helena's, smiling when the author can't suppress a moan.

"Are you certain you're up for this darling?"

Helena is looking at Myka like she is beautiful and sexy and irresistible. And Myka needs that so badly, because most days she can barely recognize herself in the mirror.

"I'm very certain," Myka says as she settles herself on Helena's lap. "I got my afternoon nap. All rested now." Myka regrets her words, regrets bringing her chemo induced fatigue into a conversation about sex.

But Helena asks no further, just snakes her hands up Myka's t-shirt and pulls their bodies flush against each other.

Myka forgets about her bald head and her port and her surgery scar. She lets Helena touch her, and she feel beautiful.

* * *

Helena does nothing to hide what she and Myka have been up to when she walks into the kitchen to make tea.

"I knew the whole napping thing was a sham," Pete says when he enters the kitchen to find Helena waiting for water to boil wearing only a robe and with her hair messier than he's ever seen.

Helena raises her eyebrow with a smile that makes Pete think that his partner is a pretty lucky woman.

Pete's joking tone disappears as he asks, "Today is a good day?"

Helena nods, but there is a sadness that washes over her about the fact that what constitutes a good day now is when Myka isn't vomiting or too weak to get out of bed.

Pete fights the fear that grips him every time he thinks about Myka being sick. "She's going to be all right."

Helena smiles in agreement, because she can't entertain any other possibility and still be strong for Myka.

"She didn't tell any of us for nearly a week," Pete tells Helena. "I think she almost didn't tell us at all, and even when she did, she still insisted on going to the hospital alone."

While Helena isn't surprised to hear this, she is saddened. She wishes she had come to her senses earlier, that she had been at Myka's side during that first doctor's visit, that she had never let Myka face any of it alone.

"I don't know what she would have done if you hadn't come back Helena."

"Of course I came Pete. Once you told me, I would never have stayed away."

"I know," Pete says, because he does truly know that whatever Helena has done and been in her life, that she loves Myka. "I'm glad that you came home."

Helena smiles at Pete. For all of Pete's goofiness, he is a true friend to Myka; one that Helena knows was always there in her absence.

"I won't leave Myka again."

"Good," Pete replies, a hint of warning in his voice. "I don't know if she would keep fighting. She hates being weak; she hates showing that to anyone, and if you left, I don't know who –"

"I'm not going anywhere," Helena promises again.

Pete sees the seriousness on Helena's face. He nods and smiles and clasps her on the shoulder. Being so close to Helena, Pete can see the circles under her eyes, can see how she looks like she has barely slept in months, how her face is creased with worry. He pulls her into a hug. "Thank you for taking care of her."

Helena nods against Pete's shoulder and pulls back with a tight smile. Pete understands that this woman is so very much like his partner. Helena isn't going to fall apart, and she isn't going to complain. But he reminds himself to keep an eye on her, because Helena is being strong for Myka, and the least Pete can do is make sure that Helena has someone looking out for her too.

 


	6. Chapter 6

Myka shouldn't feel like this. She should be grateful. She shouldn't want to scream at her friends when she and Helena arrive home from the last chemo appointment to find balloons and streamers decorating the bed and breakfast.

"You're done!" Claudia says, wrapping her arms around Myka.

Myka nods and smiles tightly, before quickly excusing herself to go up to her bedroom. If she stays she might punch Claudia in the face. And really the girl is just trying to be nice, so Myka knows that she needs to avoid that.

Helena follows Myka up to her room a moment later. "Are you all right?"

"I'm great," Myka says through gritted teeth as she sits on the edge of the bed still winded from walking up the stairs.

Helena sits down besides Myka and waits silently.

"The famous author has nothing to say?" Myka taunts. She knows that Helena is doing nothing wrong and that most of the time just having her lover there would be all that Myka wants. But today everyone and everything are bothering her. And yes, Myka knows that she's picking a fight here, but she can't seem to stop herself.

"What can I do Myka?"

"Nothing!" Myka shouts, surprised by the way her voice reverberates in the room. "You can't do anything. There's no artifact or invention to make things better."

Helena places her hand on Myka's cheek understanding the devastation of accepting that despite the endless wonder of the warehouse, there isn't going to be a magical solution.

But that hand feels far too gentle, too soft, and now Myka wants none of that. "I should be grateful Helena. I know that, ok?"

"You don't have to feel grateful."

"I'm alive, and I'm done with treatment."

"And that treatment was awful, and you still need to make it through the aftermath of this round of chemo. It's ok to be upset darling."

"You know what I want Helena?" Myka asks pulling away from her lover's touch. "I want people to stop pretending that this is all right and normal. I still could die. The cancer could come back. I'm tired of hearing people telling me to celebrate that this is my last treatment. For how long, Helena? How long?"

"I wish I could make promises darling."

"But you can't Helena. You can't!"

Helena just sits for a while before she reaches out and takes Myka's hand in her own. "I  _can_  promise that I will be by your side for whatever the future brings. I know that isn't enough, and I wish there was more that I could do for you."

Those words break Myka's heart and make her feel so guilty for lashing out at Helena. But Myka cannot stand the way Helena is looking at her patiently and lovingly like things will be all right. Helena knows the awful realities of the world, and she has no right to be the optimist.

"I need some time alone," Myka says.

Helena ignores how much those words hurt despite the fact that she understands intellectually that this isn't about her. "Ok darling. Just call if you need anything."

"I'm fine!" Myka protests as Helena presses a kiss to her forehead.

Helena can't bring herself to go any farther than the hallway, so she settles herself against the wall and listens for any signs that Myka needs her.

Helena doesn't know how much time has passed when she's roused from her half sleeping state by the sound of a toilet flushing. Helena rushes into Myka's room, relieved that the door is still unlocked. By the time Helena reaches Myka, she's leaning over the toilet again.

Helena silently sits down besides Myka and begins rubbing circles on her back. Myka lets herself be comforted by Helena's presence even as the anger and the guilt still overwhelm her. The nausea seems never ending, and Myka wonders how she still isn't used to this feeling after so long.

When Myka is done throwing up for the moment she lies down on the cold bathroom floor. The coolness is one of the few comforts she has found from the nausea. Myka rests her head in Helena's lap, thankful when her lover welcomes her as always.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you before," Myka whisper as Helena's hands move soothingly along her back and arms.

"You aren't going to frighten me away by being angry," Helena replies, her touch so gentle and loving that Myka wants to cry and scream at the unfairness of finding this only once she became sick. "I tried to end the world. I had a gun pointed at your head. You aren't going to scare me if you want to scream or cry or hit something."

"It isn't fair."

"I know."

Of course Helena knows that life isn't fair. Of course she knows that awful things happen to good people.

"I'm sorry," Myka repeats.

"Don't be."

"Everyone wants me to celebrate," Myka says.

"I'm sorry darling. I should have told them no celebration."

"No, I'm the one with the problem. I don't know why I can't be grateful. I just don't feel like it's over or like it will ever be over."

Helena seems to consider this for a long moment. "I suppose that in a way it never will be. It's a part of your life now. But I trust that you will learn how to live with that, because you are strong and brave."

Myka struggles to sit up so she can look at Helena properly. Myka stares into dark eyes that still show the pain of a past that has left Helena forever changed. Changed but still able to love, to create, to care for Myka so very well. Myka nods in understanding, with the knowledge that Helena will be by her side even if the places Myka needs to travel are not always filled with joy and acceptance and grace.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Myka walks out of the doctor's office in a daze, barely able to believe the words that had been spoken:  _no signs of cancer_.

"Are you ok darling?" Helena asks when Myka sits down in the car without a word.

Myka can hardly grasp being cancer-free at her six-month follow up appointment. She had spent the last week preparing for the worst, snapping at everyone who told her not to worry. Myka had convinced herself that there would be a recurrence, that she and Helena would be looking at months of treatment at best and metastases beyond hope at the worst.

Instead Myka is looking at not coming back to this awful building for another 6 months. Instead she's looking at trying to figure out how to live her life after cancer. Instead she's looking at Helena and wondering what it will be like to stop thinking about how they will get over the next hurdle and to start thinking about what their future will hold.

Myka lunges forward and pulls Helena to her for a kiss. Helena kisses back a little roughly, a little desperately, reminding Myka that Helena too has been terrified even as she remained calm for Myka's sake. Hands weave into the short hair on Myka's scalp, and it feels so good that Myka thinks she might start crying. Helena presses their bodies closer together, and in the embrace Myka feels everything that her lover has kept so neatly walled away through the treatments for Myka's sake.

"God I love you Helena."

"I love you too," Helena says, as a smile so wide that her cheeks ache lights up her face.

Myka's laughing with joy then, laughing so hard that she's crying, as she looks at Helena. Myka had wondered whether she could be enough for HG Wells, whether an awkward girl from a small town could possibly be enough. But the way Helena is looking at Myka leaves no doubt: the prospect of years together brings the writer such joy.

"I feel like dancing," Myka exclaims. For the moment the fatigue is absent, for the moment she forgets the chemo-induced neuropathy that makes walking difficult on the bad days. Right now Myka can only focus on celebrating with the woman she loves.

Helena chuckles as her hands find the bare flesh where Myka's shirt has ridden up. Helena needs to touch Myka, needs to feel the soft skin no longer dry and pale from chemo.

"Take me dancing Helena."

"Your wish is my command darling. Though I am loath remind you that we are still in Univille. There isn't much in the way of places to go dancing."

"It doesn't matter where we go. We can dance at the warehouse for all I care. I just want to dance with you." Myka watches Helena's lips curve further upward and it warms parts of Myka that she had believed frozen and lost. "I just want you."

Helena had been ready to step aside once Myka was well, she had never expected a life together as payment for her support, would never let Myka be with her because she felt indebted.

And so, it takes Helena's breath away to see clearly how much Myka loves her. How even now, as Myka accepts for the first time the possibility of a future consisting of more than a few painful months or years if she is lucky, she wants Helena. Myka looks at Helena like she could never get enough, like even if they live a hundred more years, she could never possibly want anyone other than Helena.

"I think you should drive somewhere though," Myka says, "because I am so damn tired of seeing this hospital."

Helena reaches forward to steal one more kiss from Myka before driving away.


End file.
